Winter Guide

13 Essential Survival Tips for Winter

How to survive whatever mother nature throws at you this winter

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Just like snowflakes, no two winters in New England are ever alike. Will it be manageable and charming? Will it cripple the entire state? We don’t know. We never know. Assuming that Mother Nature has the worst in store for us (or does she… ?), we’ve compiled a checklist of the following snow preparedness tips so you can be ready for whatever Winter 2017 decides to throw our way.

1. Stock up on milk and bread. Obviously.

2. While you’re at the market, might as well pick up other food that you might need to eat an actual meal instead of subsisting off milk and bread like a Dickensian street urchin.

3. Hold up the entire line like there’s no one else waiting while you look for that expired coupon for milk and/or bread.

4. Act like it has never snowed before. Ever.

5. Call a parent, grandparent or older relative so they can remind you how this is nothing compared to the Blizzard of ‘78.

6. Start live-tweeting the storm now so that your hashtag wins. #SnowedIn #StatingTheObvious #DidIMentionItsSnowing? #CatchingUpOnGOT

7. Post a Facebook update encouraging everyone to stay safe and warm. Seriously. Do it now. Do you want your friends to die a horrible, freezing, snowbound death? You’ve got to warn them!

8. Gather the supplies you’ll need if there’s an extended power outage: candles, flashlights, warm blankets, non-perishable food, booze, satellite phone, animal pelts, whale blubber, a trashcan to throw through the front window of whatever store you’re planning to loot.

9. In the event of both a parking ban and a power outage, set your car on fire to stay warm and avoid costly parking tickets.

10. Repent and pray.

11. If you are indoors, stay there. Quickly move to a safe location in the room such as under a strong desk, a strong table or along an interior wall. (Oops. On second thought that one might be an earthquake safety tip. Still, it helps to be prepared for anything.)

12. Make plans for Friday or Saturday to have dinner with that friend or relative who you really don’t want to see, but keeps bugging you to hang out. Cancel them due to weather.

13. Above all, please stay safe and warm.

There, we feel better already.